Hellsing: Laundry 3

Alucard sighed. He tapped his fingers on the desk, propping up his elbow and putting his chin on his hand. His crimson eyes narrowed slightly as he glared at the computer monitor.

This was taking forever.

The vampire sighed again. "How does Walter endure this?" He muttered aloud. He had been sitting there for five minutes, waiting for the computer to turn on. And it was five minutes too long. The computer was taking forever. And all Alucard wanted to do was a search on guns.
Ever since the microwave and washing machine incident, Alucard wasn't allowed to leave the mansion grounds, much less the basement, except when Integra needed him. Seras had felt a little bad about this, so she managed to convince Walter to install a computer down there to keep him entertained. Both failed to tell him that it would take so long for it to actually boot up.

Another sigh. What was he supposed to do with a computer anyway? He didn't want to play those card games Seras had shown him on the normal computer Walter used. He didn't want to play Minesweepers, though it was always fun clicking on the bombs and killing the smiley face. What had peaked his interest was the Internet. The entire world in his hands at his command? Who would want to past that up?

"Finally!" He said in relief as the desktop came up. "Took you long enough..." Grabbing the mouse, he moved the cursor to the little "E". Nothing happened. He blinked and moved the cursor on it again.

Nothing.

Alucard groaned. Now the mouse was broken! He kept moving the cursor over it. Nothing ever happened. In frustration, he pressed down, causing the mouse to click. A window came up almost immediately. The vampire stared at it and grinned triumphantly. He knew that, sooner or later, the computer would bend to his will.

Looking at the piece of paper Seras had given him which listed a few websites he would need to know, he started typing in "Google." Again, nothing happened. "Oh no, you don't!" He growled at it, glaring. The computer just sat there. The mouse clicked, and Alucard had an epiphany; if you click the mouse, it does things on the monitor! He was a genius!

"And they said I had no technology skills...”

He clicked on the address bar and typed in "Google." He happily chuckled as it worked almost instantly. "Now...To search for 'Big Guns'..." He typed that in, very pleased when it came up with over a million results. He never knew humans liked weapons so much!

"Let's see here..." He mumbled, looking over the results. "..This looks like a good one...'See This Man's Big Gun'..." He clicked on the link.

And stared.

His eyes widened.

And Alucard started screaming. "POLICE GIRL!" He shouted as loud as he could, backing away from the monitor. Seras ran in, looking concerned.

"Master? What's-?" That's as far as she got because she caught sight of what was on the computer screen. "AHHHH! MY EYES! MY VIRGIN EYES!" She and Alucard both bolted from the room, screaming bloody murder. They tore up the stairs and ran outside as fast as they could.

Walter, who had been taking a short tea break, stared at them as they passed. He sighed. "I knew I should have warned Alucard to be careful about what he searched..." He muttered, finishing his tea and going to Integra's office to explain why her two vampire agents were screaming like little girls who had just seen a mouse.
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"Alucard..." Integra said in a very calm voice to the vampire who was up against the wall, looking ready to flee at any given moment. "Calm down..."

"YOU CALM DOWN!" He snapped, his eye twitching like crazy. "YOU HUMANS ARE FILTHY!"

"Alucard...Not all sites on the internet are like that one..."

"LIES! THAT WAS JUST PLAIN WRONG! SICK!"

"Some sites are actually very educational..."

"AND YOU CALL ME A MONSTER!"

The blonde woman sighed, rubbing her temples. There was no way she could talk to Alucard when he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Poor Seras had locked herself in her room and refused to come out. She grinned suddenly.

Wait...This could be fun. In fact, this was the perfect way to get back at Alucard for all the times he tormented her. "Alucard?" She said in a suddenly sweet voice. He eyed her suspiciously. "...Did you know that Walter used to star in things like that?"

Alucard ran the door to her office down, screaming bloody murder again and trying to make his way to the basement. And he passed Walter on the way. "What's the matter?" He asked the vampire, who only stared at him with huge eyes. "...Alucard? You look paler than usual..."

"STAY FAR, FAR AWAY FROM ME!" The vampire shouted and disappeared into the shadows and hiding under a blanket with Seras.
The butler blinked, confused, as Integra walked up, chuckling. "What was that about?"

"Oh, nothing..." Integra said innocently. "You should probably stay away from Alucard for a few days, Walter. He'll be reduced to a crying girl if he sees you."