Hellsing: Laundry 2

It is said that you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

And for Seras Victoria, this was all too true.

Why do these things happen to me? She asked herself, sighing miserably and laying her head on the kitchen counter. It hadn't even been a week since the washing machine incident, and Alucard was already up to his tricks again.

Apparently, getting hit repeatedly on the head with a silver ashtray by a furious Integra wasn't enough to teach him a lesson.

Apparently, being forced to go with Walter as he went washing machine shopping wasn't enough punishment.

Apparently, Alucard was either extremely curious or extremely stupid.

Seras narrowed her eyes slightly at the elder vampire in front of her, who was hunched over the microwave. He was looking at it very hard and would occasionally scratch his neck.

How do I get myself into these messes? She asked herself, now banging her head once against the counter. Alucard glared at her over his shoulder. She chose to ignore him.

"...What?" He asked her, crossing his arms. "What are you sulking for? I haven't even done anything yet."

The blonde sighed heavily. "I've said it once...I'll say it again," She muttered, looking at him levelly. "I do not think this is a good idea."

What Alucard wanted to do with the microwave was actually a little selfless. He had noticed that Seras was being fickle with her blood again and wasn't about to have her get weak when they may have to go on missions at any moment. His logic was that if she didn't like it cold, she'd like it if he nuked it. This was exactly what he planned to do.

If he could only figure out how to make the blasted machine work!

The blood was in a clear bowl; Seras was able to convince him that plastic would only melt in the microwave and make Integra angry. This reassured her only a little, since Alucard asked,"...What does this button do, Police Girl?"

She sighed once again, walking over to it. "That's for popcorn," She explained, keeping her temper in check. Her patience was wearing thin, and she didn't want to have helped assist in the destruction of yet another appliance.

He pointed to another. "Potatoes...Rice...Frozen Meals..."

"Why does it have so many?" He complained, frowning.

"Different foods need to be cooked at different times and temperatures," She replied, watching him warily as he stuck the bowl in the machine and closed it. "Now, listen to me, Master. Put it on for ONE MINUTE."

He glared at her. "One minute?" He repeated, narrowing his eyes. "That's way too short; There's no way it'll be done in a minute!"

"Master!" Seras cried, becoming bold and gently bonking him on top of the head. "Just trust me on this! One minute, and only one minute!"

"Fine! Will you just give me some space?" He snapped, not liking being ordered around by his fledgling. He would get back at her later. But for now, he would focus at the task at hand. Mumbling, he started pressing the numbers. "See? Look, I can do it."

"I'm so pleased, Master...You can count," She replied sarcastically. Alucard suddenly grinned his insane grin, putting her instantly on guard. "..Master...Why are you smiling like that?"

"Oh, Police Girl," He purred, his tone deceptively sweet. "Thank you so much for your guidance...I would be lost without you!" He sighed dramatically, and Seras was ready to run now. Alucard only did this when he wanted to "play." And playing usually meant he chased her all over the mansion for no apparent reason except to scare her. Fun for him, not for her, since he could go through walls and she couldn't.

"..." Seras bolted for the door, her Master hot on her trail and laughing insanely. Neither noticed that the microwave read, instead of 1:00, 10:00.
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Alucard finally gave up his chase of Seras after they had ran around in Integra's office, causing the woman to nearly burst a vein when Alucard messed up the huge amount of paper work on her desk. Most of it was because of his latest stunt. After Integra gave Alucard another tongue thrashing, both humbly (Well, at least Seras) walked out.

Alucard was sulking. "Come on, Master, cheer up!" Seras said, smiling a little. "You caught me!"

"I ALWAYS catch you," He growled, crossing his arms. "Stupid Master...It's not MY fault she has all that paperwork..."

Though it was actually his fault, the blonde wasn't about to contradict him. She only chuckled and stopped suddenly. "Oh no...Master! We forgot about the microwave!"

"So?"

"The blood's going to be cold again..."

Alucard blinked and waved his hand. "Come on then. If it is cold, we'll just heat it up again..." He said, walking to the kitchen. He didn't think it was such a big deal; they’d only be gone at least five minutes. Seras followed him and suddenly wrinkled her nose.

"Master...What is that horrible smell?" She asked, coughing slightly. The elder vampire didn't answer, trying to ignore it.

"No idea...Probably some of Walter's cooking." He chuckled at his joke as they walked into the kitchen. And froze. "...Police Girl?"

"Yes, Master?" She replied, her eyes shut as she tried to not gag at the smell. "What is it?"

"..Is it bad when the microwave is all...thumping and stuff?"

Seras froze. "...What do you mean?" She asked in a panicked voice. Alucard's body was blocking her view, so she didn't know what he was talking about.

"The glass thing inside is thumping and the bowl is bubbling...And now the window thing is all red..."

"Master! I thought you only put it on for a minute!"

"I did!" He squinted at the numbers. "...Why does it say 4:00?"

Seras nearly ran over Alucard in an effort to see what was happening. "IT WHAT!?" The elder vampire sweat dropped slightly as the microwave started to shake very hard. Just like the washing machine. And when that happens, that means that something was about to explode.

He grabbed Seras and moved out of the way just as the microwave door burst open, spewing nuked blood all over the kitchen. It smelled horrible, making the both of them gag as the microwave still thumped around. Alucard did NOT like this one bit, so he did what he did best; he pulled out his Jackal and started shooting it.

Apparently, the microwave did not like being shot at. Because after a few shots, it promptly exploded into a nice fiery little mass of electrical junk. This also made an extremely loud sound, attracting the maids and Walter. And the butler could only stare at what was once a microwave as Alucard and Seras got as far from Integra's office was possible without leaving the country.
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"You...You...You..." Was all Integra could say as she death glared the vampires, more towards the elder, who glared back. "...How...do you...EXPLODE a microwave?"

"It's not my fault!" Alucard protested. "It's a piece of crap!"

"Alucard."

"I always get blamed for these things!"

"Alucard..."

"I was only trying to-"

WHAM.

Once again, Alucard's forehead met Integra's silver ashtray. Seras sweat dropped. "I told you, Master..."

"...Shut...up..."